Trying so hard....

...to be everything I want to be.

Today was the first day back to school and I am super excited about my class this semester; a creative non-fiction writing class....ironically it is the FIRST class I've been crazy excited about and it is my LAST class in the program.

I'm seriously excited to write creatively again....I've discovered over the past year and a half that I'm not a scholar. I love the research, but once I find some interesting "stuff" then I don't feel compelled to draw any conclusions or write some boring-ass paper about it. It has all become very tedious and sadly I have the most tedious, boring-ass scholarly paper to write yet; my thesis. Ugh.

I'm working hard to finish this degree, but only for the sake of finishing it because I started it and it just wouldn't be right to quit. Quitting would be disrespectful to my hubs who has supported me and to the school that gave me my tuition.

And really nothing is wrong with this scenario except that I discovered along the way that I was chasing a 20 year old dream. That old dream isn't just dormant but dead and new dreams have cropped up to take its place. As a friend of mine said, "Maybe the purpose of going back to school was to help you figure out what you DON'T want to do or be." And I think that is how I have to look at it.

But this class....I'm so hyped up about the possibilities of writing in ways that allow me to be me. I think the key here is that it is CREATIVE writing. And there is another 20 year old dream that maybe I've hinted at but never given a voice to....to be a writer. There, I've said it. I've always secretly wanted to be a writer....

Since I started on this degree I've felt stifled and cooped up and stagnant while working on the scholarly reading and writing. I've been more depressed (more deeply and for longer periods of time) during this whole experience. One of the things I've learned about myself is that I can't be truly happy just living a "life of the mind" kind of life. I have to DO, CREATE and NURTURE. Whether I've been outside working in the sunshine with my hands OR inside creating something with paint or fabric or junky treasures when I'm creating and doing is when I've felt most alive and happy.

I'm always chasing the happiness....